{"id":59007,"date":"2019-08-08T13:01:55","date_gmt":"2019-08-08T17:01:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.wework.com\/ideas\/?p=59007"},"modified":"2020-09-03T05:53:05","modified_gmt":"2020-09-03T09:53:05","slug":"how-to-undermine-an-underminer-and-other-toxic-workplace-behavior","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.wework.com\/ideas\/professional-development\/management-leadership\/how-to-undermine-an-underminer-and-other-toxic-workplace-behavior","title":{"rendered":"How to undermine an underminer, and other toxic workplace behavior"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

As the space between work and not-work becomes ever more blurred, questions about how to do this thing we plug away at for 30 or 40 or 70 hours a week become all the more expansive. In <\/em>Work Flow<\/em><\/strong><\/a>, we delve into the novel dilemmas created by the new ways we work, as well as timeless questions about ethics, gender assumptions, and toxic work situations (and how to escape them). How we work is an important component of how we live\u2014and we\u2019re here to help you do better at both.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Something messing with your flow? Unload your work problems here, and you\u2019ll not only feel heard but you\u2019ll also get unbiased, real-world advice. (That\u2019s something your work sibling\/spouse just can\u2019t offer.) Tell us everything: <\/em>ideasbywe@wework.com<\/em><\/a>.<\/em> <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

My company offers an unlimited vacation policy, but the thing is, no one ever seems to take vacation. Instead, pretty much everyone at the company\u2014from the top down\u2014talks about how we work all the time like it\u2019s a badge of honor. If someone does take off work, eyes are rolled and jokes are made. But I really, really need a day off. Maybe longer. How do I approach this, given the company culture?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In this situation it appears that your coworkers, at the behest of the overall organization, have sipped from the company Kool-Aid a bit too heavily. I\u2019m not blaming any of you. This problem is, unfortunately, rampant in the United States. As Quartz recently reported<\/a>, America is the only wealthy country that does not require private employers to offer vacation time to its employees<\/a>. (In the UK, people get 28 days a year\u2014and that\u2019s before holidays.) It gets worse. According to a 2017 Glassdoor survey<\/a>, the average U.S. employee takes only about half their eligible vacation time, and 66 percent of Americans end up working while on vacation. Unlimited PTO policies\u2014which, on first blush, seem like a great perk\u2014can actually exacerbate this problem: When employees realize that no one really expects them to use those days, they end up taking even fewer days<\/a> than they would be allotted in a normal policy. Then, when you decide to leave the company, they don\u2019t have to pay out any unused vacation days.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The fact is: Workaholism<\/a> is a very real mental-health problem, and it\u2019s one that your company appears to be promoting through its culture. So, while I don\u2019t want to just throw around the word toxic,<\/em> I fear your company culture may be a tad toxic. You\u2019re all gaslighting one another in some misguided effort to get to the top, to avoid shame, to appear superhuman. But what\u2019s the top? Working 365 days a year without a break? That <\/em>would be a shame.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s endless research indicating<\/a> that taking time off from work is good and necessary and wise. It helps with stress reduction and heart disease prevention, makes us more productive on the job, and helps us sleep better, too. It keeps people at their companies longer, and motivates them to do better work. Everyone needs days off\u2014many of them, in fact. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I think you have two solutions, one in the short term, and one in the long. First: Plan a vacation. Take at least a week. You\u2019ve earned it! Talk to your immediate manager(s) about it, get the approval(s) you need, and go<\/em>. Shift your mindset toward not caring what other people think (try it\u2014it\u2019s magic). Who cares what snarky comments might flow free in the break room while you\u2019re gone? You\u2019re the one going to Tahiti, or Japan, or your mom\u2019s pool in Florida, and I really want you to enjoy it. Stop thinking about work. Think about you. When you get back, brush off any rude comments and simply say, \u201cYeah, my vacation was awesome, thanks for asking. You know, you really should take one soon! Hey, check out this picture of my overwater bungalow…\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the longer term, if this persists, and if you get pushback from managers for actually taking PTO, it\u2019s time to seriously consider whether this is the healthiest place for you (or anyone) to work. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Did I mention taking vacation might also help you live longer<\/a>? You gotta take care of you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My coworker is an underminer. She\u2019s always very casually putting me down in front of other people (including our manager) or criticizing my work (like saying, \u201cOh, we better double-check this,\u201d whenever I do something). If she\u2019s called out, she generally acts like it\u2019s a big joke, or makes fun of me for being \u201cso sensitive.\u201d What can I do to stop this?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When faced with an underminer, or someone who throws out rude comments like it\u2019s nothing, I am a big fan of politely but directly saying how you feel. Part of the power of the bully is making you feel ashamed and that you have no right to retort, so we are forced to hold in our feelings\u2014and our completely sane arguments to the contrary. But you are entitled to feel the way you do, and you should<\/em> say something in your own defense\u2014and do it in front of the people who matter, i.e., your manager, so that they don\u2019t simply accept what your coworker is saying to be true. I\u2019ve learned that if you don\u2019t actually let out a slew of curse words or threats or start throwing K-cup coffee pods, if you say the things you mean in a calm, collected way, you can say just about anything <\/em>(within reason\u2014always within a certain amount of reason). <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It might help to practice in advance, preparing comebacks for her most likely criticisms. When she casually puts you down\u2014\u201cJen is terrible at math! Isn\u2019t that so cute? What a total English major<\/em>,\u201d say something pointed and maybe a little bit funny: \u201cMy degree from MIT\/AP calculus credits would beg to differ, but I\u2019m always glad you\u2019ve got my back, Cruella.\u201d (Don\u2019t call her Cruella.) Or \u201cGood thing I write words for a living and<\/em> know how to use an Excel spreadsheet!\u201d Whatever you say, do defend yourself (calmly, again, do it calmly, as if you\u2019re pointing out simple fact). Turn the conversation around on her, and use it to show how much she\u2019s wrong about you\u2014or maybe how she\u2019s right, but not the way she intends it. When she says, \u201cOh, Jen is so sensitive, ha ha ha,\u201d you might retort, \u201cYes, I do tend to care about things that are important to me, and this job is very important to me.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She\u2019s trying to ruffle you. Ruffle her back with your unrufflability as you call her out on what she\u2019s doing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Remind yourself that you don\u2019t actually have to feel hurt by her words. And pay attention in the office: Are you the only person who this coworker undermines, or does she cut a wide swath? This sort of behavior tends to affect everyone. If you find others are dealing with this as well, talk to them about it! You all can form a united front in correcting her when she criticizes any of you, and speak up to defend one another against her underminery. Sooner or later, your managers will get the drift. Maybe they already have.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As a final measure, keep track of the infractions: Write them down, and be prepared, as they pile up, to talk to your manager about what\u2019s been happening. She\u2019s a bully, and I bet you\u2019ll find you\u2019ve got more than just your words on your side. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Asking for a (slightly smelly) friend: If you leave the office during lunchtime to hit the gym, is it required that you shower before returning? <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am sure that there are some people who would give you an unequivocal yes here. I am not one of them. Look, there\u2019s a difference between going to a gentle yoga class and running a marathon. If you\u2019re getting sweatier than you can remedy with a damp, soapy cloth and some deodorant, yeah, you should shower. If you notice that when you return to the office people tend to avoid sharing airspace with you, yeah, you should shower. But if you\u2019ve just foam-rolled for 45 minutes, slipped back into your office clothes, and headed back to work because you\u2019re tight for time, you\u2019re probably fine. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This question is equal parts about the exerciser and those in the office, however. Doesn\u2019t it just feel better to shower after a workout? I think so. Then again, most of the time, I work from home and sit in my own exercise stew for hours on end. The dogs never complain, but when I do shower, I feel really<\/em> good about it.<\/p>\n\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Our advice columnist tackles vacation stigma, workplace bullies, and less-than-fresh officemates<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1766,"featured_media":59009,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[43902,43909],"tags":[503,1488,10213],"class_list":["post-59007","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-professional-development","category-management-leadership","tag-culture","tag-management","tag-work-flow"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nHow to undermine an underminer, and other toxic workplace behavior<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Our advice columnist tackles vacation stigma, workplace bullies, and less-than-fresh officemates\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link 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